I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
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Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Y’all ready for this
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.