a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…