How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations