Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry