Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Me, in DM rooms…
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.