I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
They’re called werewolves.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.