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Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
somewhere, in an alternate universe
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Good morning.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo