You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
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I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?