Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
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Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.