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People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.