What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Bit chilly again tonight.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.