A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?