“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
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If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
…u ok Nintendo?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.