quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
A friend sent me this.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.