just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
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My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?