*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’ve been drinking.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Perfect
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope