Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
You Might Also Like
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
This raises questions
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks