GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
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*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Air conditioning – not a fan
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.