Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 馃槀馃槀
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It鈥檚 my Photo-Sin-Thesis
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
馃摲: elevasseur
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
An odd boast
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them