“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.