The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
got so much cardio in today
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.