If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
there has never been a better use of this meme
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Pickled cat.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*