911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie