Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
🙁
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I love the honesty
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils