I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.