This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
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Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
anyone else like Italian cereal
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more