Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
what my late-night hot pocket sees
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?