him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.