Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no