heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?