Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.