God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I already tried new things thanks.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat