Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
You Might Also Like
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
This rocks
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Big Sex has us all fooled
This line from Airplane.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.