TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
You Might Also Like
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Somebody call the cops.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no