Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Worth remembering.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
There are usually two types of merchants.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.