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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Breaking news:
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”