Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I’m not proud
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too