My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
look at me when i’m typing to you
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory