Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
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It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Looking at you, Jesus.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.