My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
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“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”