Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.