13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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…u ok Nintendo?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.