squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh