me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
still the best tweet of the year by far
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.