Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.