Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I know karate and tons of other words.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
This was my dad’s browser history.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I am a gravy boat captain
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.