I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
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Boom, boom, ching!
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
How animals would run if they were human
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons