*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
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At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle