The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
😆this is so true
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping