mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
You Might Also Like
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
😂💯
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.